DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
(
time for a commercial break -
cars we drove ... click)
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favourite!) Any handy tool that
you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!'
at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this educational.
Men are so stupid, they have to have a different tool for everything.
Woman Tool - KITCHEN KNIFE: A handy all purpose tool which can act as
1: A screwdriver
2: A hammer
3: A can opener
4: A Pry Bar
5: A hose cutter
6: A Hacksaw
7: A wire cutter
8: A carpet knife
9: Occasionally used to butter bread, if it is still straight enough.
~
